I have been been targeted by friends, family and foe for a lot of my, lets say 'negative writings' or writings that do not reflect requisite sunshine and positivity. But most of them also are quite aware of the fact that I am the most positive and self-driven human, with a resilience that many have been jealous of (note the Resilience-hereby refered to as Mr. R only pops his head up when i take a deciion and that in itself is a rare phenomenon, but then once taken he ensures that he sticks around!) However, strangely off late I have found myself going into a strange depression- Oh yes, that is not new for me either. I keep getting depressed over little things and then perk up and the harmonic oscillation continues to such an extent that harnessing that kinetic energy has been the dream of many!!
Now coming back to the point in question - what has been troubling me! Ah, I wish i knew, most times I am quite oblivous of what troubles me- they reveal themselves in due course of time and I am happy to know, when my subconsious is able to describe it correctly- till then I remain grouchy and irritable. This time, I guess the problem is I know or rather have an inkling of what is wrong.. I feel my famous Mr. R has quietly walked out of the back door. I have become indifferent and resigned in life!!!! RESIGNED TO LIFE!!! - that has always been something UNACCEPTABLE since a child but now when I see Mr. Resignation entering and Mr. Resilience leaving I feel helpless standing there, a mute spectator unable to stop either.
Lets go ahead and take a silly and completely foolish example but something which is very me- I have been (as most know) pretty proud of my personality (due credit to parents). I mean I am not the sizzling hot thing that went by - but I am definitely that very interesting thing ...... However, recently I have reached a point where I am disgusted by my body (not to mention many quarters have gradually reinforced this feeling that I am plump and that is not good :( .. hmm) I have gone through this before but at some point it wouldnt matter because I really liked the way I was and knew that if I ever wanted to shed a few kgs here or there I could do it. But recently, I cant stop the resignation that has entered .. I cant stop hating the way my body looks, feeling old and lacklustre. Oh yes, not that I dont do anything about it- I go for Badminton coaching classes but yeah thats not much and for a Bharatnatyam dancer whose left dancing years ago, loosing those extra kgs is so not easy. Its painful- I dont mind the pain if there is hope.. unfortunately i feel my mind has given hope not only on my physical appearance but on myself - On Just ME- I have been living like an automaton- the spirit aint dead but its definitely greviously injured......
Strangely this reminds me of one of my FAVOURITE poems-by Napolean Hill- something I still hold very close..
I bargained with Life for a penny,
And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store.
For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set your wages,
Why, you must bear the task.
I worked for a menial’s hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have willingly paid."
