The arrogance of Loneliness

The days pass by
Busy as hell
The Night's no different; planning for the day
Goals and Ambitions fill up the calendar
Busy as hell

I need that; I will achieve this
And yes, everyone else is just wasting my time
Irritation does a grand finale
Frustration closes my eyes and the nights seem frightening
Sleep is elusive, the mind struggling to free
Unable to control the chaos within
The continued shame of compromise eats my soul

Loneliness is an arrogant bitch
Or is arrogance a lonely bitch?
Whichever it is, the bitch currently rules the house
Unfortunately, I have spent way too much time with both of them

Dangerous it is
Dangerous indeed. This tango is killing me -
The tango between Arrogance and Loneliness
The tango between my ambition and desires
The constant fight between my different selves

I really wish I could say I am tired but arrogance wont let me
She wont let me acknowledge my loneliness
She wont let me appreciate help
And she makes a poor beside companion
She keeps me busy as hell......

I am here without you baby

I am here without you baby

But you are still on my lonely mind

I am here without you baby

but youre still with me in my dreams............ (3 doors down, here without you...)

I am here without you baby (and baby in this post refers to the lack of romance in my lonely life).. wish it was...Many a times, I wish I had not been so stubborn in life and was more in touch with myself. Many a times I wish I was not level headed with love (or relationships)---well, but then one cannot have all that one wishes, can they?

Why am I wondering about romance? Well I have wanted it all my life, especially from the man that you are with - but then somehow this has always eluded me.. Romance (as men seem to so discerningly percieve ) dosent match my personality! F***k! how is an emotion/desire suppossed to match my personality? what is that suppossed to mean??? Oh yeah, I am hopelessly romantic, and want to be romanced to the lowest shallow beaten track... I want the works- the flowers, the songs that are dedicated, the careless touch of passion when I aint looking, the jealous look when I dance with another man, the bent knee to ask for a dance, the slight longing kiss on my hand... I am tired of this 'so called emancipated/sexually liberated' generation that I belong to - now that romance is dead, emancipated women get-

Discussions on Space compatibility,

Career projections and financial safety

The bent knee replaced by 'lets get drunk and try some crude hip hop'

Jealous has been replaced by 'Oh go right ahead, I understand your need for space'

The longing kiss with 'A sad replica, that has neither passion nor sensitivity- a personification of the perfunctory'........

Love Aaj Kal & Courage

No the title aint meant to be elusive.. It is this completely silly, badly edited latest hindi flick that has got me thinking.. there is something that has disturbed me after watching it and I have been trying to figure out what it exactly is (barring the serious edit errors, the sad direction at times.. )

So, what is it that disturbed a regular - not so interested movie goer like me? I think it was in a crude way how the movie captured a certain level of courage... It takes a whole lot of courage to live life on one's own terms, to accept that one makes mistakes - nay even blunders and then fight for what is right.

A lot of times in life we realize too late in life that we made a mistake, or have taken a wrong turn.. but we come to terms with it.. we compromise...Its sad, but all of us do it 'in the very interest of so called larger good'- but I am not so sure that is good enough-- not sure that therein lies true goodness..
Its hard to live life in a balance... I dont think it can be 'lived' like that.. Balances are unfortunately very misleading and manipulative... And balances get manifested as sever imbalances many a times.

Strange but the battle continues, do you listen to what makes you happy or do you listen to what you are 'suppossed/expected' to do? Well there is always an inherent choice - the bottom line always is and will remain "At the age of 60, when you look back at life, do you want to say that lived a well balanced life as expected by one and all OR did you take that risk/that one go at what could have changed your life forever?'

Well -may not be the best quote of all, but reminds me of Roosvelt " Far greater it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumps, even to be checkered by failure than to be ranked with those poor spirits who who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat"

When Resilience quitely walked out the back door.....

I have been been targeted by friends, family and foe for a lot of my, lets say 'negative writings' or writings that do not reflect requisite sunshine and positivity. But most of them also are quite aware of the fact that I am the most positive and self-driven human, with a resilience that many have been jealous of (note the Resilience-hereby refered to as Mr. R only pops his head up when i take a deciion and that in itself is a rare phenomenon, but then once taken he ensures that he sticks around!) However, strangely off late I have found myself going into a strange depression- Oh yes, that is not new for me either. I keep getting depressed over little things and then perk up and the harmonic oscillation continues to such an extent that harnessing that kinetic energy has been the dream of many!!

Now coming back to the point in question - what has been troubling me! Ah, I wish i knew, most times I am quite oblivous of what troubles me- they reveal themselves in due course of time and I am happy to know, when my subconsious is able to describe it correctly- till then I remain grouchy and irritable. This time, I guess the problem is I know or rather have an inkling of what is wrong.. I feel my famous Mr. R has quietly walked out of the back door. I have become indifferent and resigned in life!!!! RESIGNED TO LIFE!!! - that has always been something UNACCEPTABLE since a child but now when I see Mr. Resignation entering and Mr. Resilience leaving I feel helpless standing there, a mute spectator unable to stop either.
Lets go ahead and take a silly and completely foolish example but something which is very me- I have been (as most know) pretty proud of my personality (due credit to parents). I mean I am not the sizzling hot thing that went by - but I am definitely that very interesting thing ...... However, recently I have reached a point where I am disgusted by my body (not to mention many quarters have gradually reinforced this feeling that I am plump and that is not good :( .. hmm) I have gone through this before but at some point it wouldnt matter because I really liked the way I was and knew that if I ever wanted to shed a few kgs here or there I could do it. But recently, I cant stop the resignation that has entered .. I cant stop hating the way my body looks, feeling old and lacklustre. Oh yes, not that I dont do anything about it- I go for Badminton coaching classes but yeah thats not much and for a Bharatnatyam dancer whose left dancing years ago, loosing those extra kgs is so not easy. Its painful- I dont mind the pain if there is hope.. unfortunately i feel my mind has given hope not only on my physical appearance but on myself - On Just ME- I have been living like an automaton- the spirit aint dead but its definitely greviously injured......

Strangely this reminds me of one of my FAVOURITE poems-by Napolean Hill- something I still hold very close..

I bargained with Life for a penny,
And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store.
For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set your wages,
Why, you must bear the task.
I worked for a menial’s hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have willingly paid."

Khoya Khoya Chand (Movie: 2007)

Kyun Khoye Khoye Chand Ki Firak Mein Talash Mein Udas Hai Dil
Kyun Anpne App Se Khafa Khafa Zara Zara Sa Naraz Hai Dil
Yeh Manzilee Bhi Khud Hi Tai Karein
Yeh Faslein Bhi Khud Hi Tai Karein
Kyun To Raston Pe Phir Sahem Sahem Sambhal Sambhal Le Chalta Hai Yeh Dil
Kyun Khoye Khoye Chand Ki Firak Mein Talash Mein Udas Hai Dil
Zindgai Sawalo Ke Jawaab Dhondnne Chali........................
-----------
Dil Ko Samjhna Keh do Kya Asaan Hai
Dil To Fitrat Se Sun Lo Na Baimaan HaiYeh Kush Nahi Hai
Jo Mila Bas Mangta Hi Hai Chala
Janta Hai Har Lagi KaDard Hi Hai Bas Ek Sila
[Jab Kabhi Yeh Dil LagaDard Hi Hume Mila Dil Ki Har Lagi KaSunlo Dard Hi Ek Sila]
Kyun Naye Naye Se Dard Ki Firak Mein Talash Udas Hai Dil
Kyun Anpne App Se Khafa Khafa Zara Zara Sa Naraz Hai Dil.........

If only you knew

If only you knew,

That running is not true;

That I have embraced you, with all that is me;

That I have embraced you, with more than what I knew-

If only you knew......

If only you had a little time

If only you could afford to stand and assimilate

If only you could give it some time;

If only your life didnt seem like a roller coaster ride

If only you were not on an ever spinning emergency

Maybe you would have known; what could have been shared

All that could be ours

The moments that could have been spent; without any pretention-

The moments that could have been just yours and mine

But I guess it was never meant to be

The never ending wait for my unknown lover...

Of love that was scorned

How does one forgive oneself for an obvious folly?
How does one stop a blunder that is committed knowningly....
How do you stop the heart from yearning, when the distance is self planted-
Since when did love become so mercenary?
Since when did love start living in the past? Since when did love become so morbid and practical?

But then there is peace in knowing that you love
There is the sad tear that drops in knowing at least finally there is a wish,
A silent prayer, an unsaid sparkle, a rush of madness, a stifled desire yet something so sweet
That it feels like a beautiful curse.
What hurts is not that these feelings exist,
What hurts is that I wasnt made for them-
I wasnt designed to sacrifice; I was made to obtain, fulfill and destroy-
I dont need this: i dont want it- I hate the goodness, its saintliness feels like an insult...