Here and There, Now and Then, where and why......

Aaaah, the pains and pleasures of being a lunatic are many... and I am currently reaping the pleasures- the pains I am sure, have been quite well articulated in my previous posts. So lets list them one by one:

a. This authoress has been finally travelling- yipppeeee! Totally love it- ok, its all been on work, but wtf! I love it. Anything stationery gets to me and I seek change like an alcoholic sensing all the bars nearby- but thats irrelevant. Change finally arrived and this lady went to chennai. Now chennai of course as we all know is a Metro (god knows why they defined it on only population density) but its suppossed to be. Now this pre historic metro is enticing to me simply because I have a few friends there - most importantly its an incentive to meet my best friend, Ajit. 

Now before anyone has notions about Ajit- Ajit is just like me in many ways- except he is a nice creature at heart, a warm gentleman and genuinely caring- he aint acidic and venomous like me - at least not naturally. So I meet up with Ajit's gang of friends during the weekend and we all go to a thing called 'Leather Bar'- neat and not so expensive. Interesting chicks- so that ensured my timepass (no I am not a lesbian- I just love analyzing market competition). Of course, two very old, fifty plus pilots for Kingfisher were hitting on me and looked as if they could spoil my evening- but nay! I wouldnt let them do that!!! would I? So, me and Ajit decided to drink as much as we can - a couple of drinks, shots, baileys and I finally had a Jaggermaister shot - Fuck, the people might have thought I am a drunkard- but hell, it was super fun!!!!!! Of course, I kept wondering why I get the attention of only older men! shitty I say! but then there werent any interesting young men so hell, we can forget them too......

The most important thing about my chennai visit was THE FALL- i slipped and like a Hritikh Roshan- landed on my butt crack! OH FUCK! it hurt and I was in screaming pain- couldnt move- sure, my ass looked a lot like J Lo's, soon enough, and I thought of insuring them like her- but I aint famous like her as yet.. long way to go.... 

The pain has been following  me ever since- but the plus point is my ass looks sexy in a skirt now!!!

b. The Hyderabad visit- Ok so now I am here and staying with my colleague and a real nice friend ( I sure am lucky, and as my boy friend says- very resourceful in these areas). The stay has been neat for now- a stint at 10 D for dinner with friends, a largely scandalized hyderabadi populace-- a lot of them have not seen women like my colleagues and me who smoke openly, dress as if the world belongs to them and are quite comfortable in a group with ten other men.

The best thing about hyderabad so far has been- the weather! Oh, I love autum and this chilly breeze. (Kindly note: mumbai dosent have winters and I MISS THEM). So hyd was such a nice change, I mean I know mumbai is a place to be and gives a career oriented lady far greater freedom but yet.. the air is so crisp, the breeze so unpolluted, that at times I get tempted....aaaaaaaaaah the little pleasures that make up one brilliant smile! And its seconded by the boyfriend in question, instantly noting the happiness in my voice. What I like about my bf (the reason I keep mentioning him in my posts) is that he is crazy like me-- he gets wary of me a lot of times, but lets me do my thing. Hence the credit listings for his infinite endurance capacities......

Random thoughts from the Soul

Its been ages that I have posted anything- Not that I or anyone else cares- but yeah some quaint reader might wonder whats wrong with the verbal dysentry that my mind is so often affected with. 

The past two -three weeks nothing much has been happenning on the work front. Things have been cold and for the first time in life I have not been 'too busy to breathe'. Sad, I like that kind of a life, that pushes me, lures me, calls me towards a trap of a vicious circle of morning to night, night to dawn and again till I know not where the year went by. Of course, William Henry Davies - the guy who wrote "What is this life, full of care, no time to stand and stare' would be turning and twisting in this grave while I write this but what he forgets is that What makes me appreciate the boughs, the flowers the trees is when they are luxuries, when they are unattainable. If i had all the time to stand and stare then I might not ever find them interesting. The fact that I have been too busy to look and stare at them when I catch those stolen glimpses at nature is what makes it beautiful, more exciting. 

Sadly, I have been caught up in another vicious circle- a circle of 'the living off the dead'- ok before anyone takes off on interpretations- what i mean is i have again gone back to the mundane, sick, complacent, indifferent me! Not a good thing, this kind of sickness prevents me from having a purpose, a reason to live, engulfs me in its cloud and gradually stifles the human spirit out of me. 

It sometimes causes what I dread the most- A silent but loudly echoing scream....

If by Rudyard Kipling (awesome!)

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

An Ode to 'A Still Born Dream'

Of rays and sunshine

Of the red in the skies and the dance with the leaves

Of the breeze in my hair and the desire to be there.... 

Of the right to dream and to feel able to capture

Of a reason to live, a reason to belong to oneself

A reason to strive, a meaning to life

Of the joy to open my palm and know that I can achieve...

But then what if it died before it was born-

What if the choice was wrong, what if the longing remained-

Worse: what if none exists?

What if there is no direction

What if the search has been futile

The eyes dry, tired yet hopeful

That it shall soon appear and the seeking shall end.

Living like the dead, hurting like the wounded

And seeking retribution like the wronged,

Dignity lost like a body being dragged to the funeral pyre;

I pay my respects to a dream thats now a memory

An ode to my 'still born' vision... 

To---

Cant do without listing down my favourite poem of all time. This is To-- by P. B. Shelly - a beautiful poem dedicated to Love by Shelly....

ONE word is too often profaned     For me to profane it;  One feeling too falsely disdain'd     For thee to disdain it;  One hope is too like despair     For prudence to smother;  And pity from thee more dear     Than that from another.  I can give not what men call love:     But wilt thou accept not  The worship the heart lifts above     And the heavens reject not,  The desire of the moth for the star,     Of the night for the morrow,  The devotion to something afar     From the sphere of our sorrow?

To my BF

Ok, it goes like this 

Moti was single, ready to mingle but could not find someone to jingle. Motu see's moti on skype, and thinks the time is ripe, for him to do something exciting in life. 
Both of them went on a date, at the nearby mocha gate, cappuccino and iced tea they drank, while motu pink flyod and led zep sang. 
Moti thought the guy may not be good looking,
But wouldnt mind seeing what beneath the exterior is cooking, 
Motu thinks, she's not bad,
In bed i hope she run's mad. 

The dates went on, each putting their best foot on
Somewhere along the way,
They realized everything was not that gay,
For things took a serious turn, 
moti felt something inside her burn,
Motu felt he could not take a U turn,
The strange feeling was containing them like an Urn. 
Moti tries to stay away, for she recognizes a special feeling-
Motu asks her to not to fight it; as he too from the insides is peeling. 

Motu asks moti to come see his room,
she comes and leaves vroooooooom.
scared and shocked,
she still visits the next day, in motu's dorm block.
Moti on bed, motu on the chair,
moti holds his hands, motu dosent move a hair, 
Thinking whether he could commit,
Marriage, oh he was too young, to climb that summit
Tells moti, she needs to wait,
Moti agrees in love and haste. 

I love you, they never said,
All they discovered, was each other in bed, 
Two weeks later, motu realized how much moti meant
I love you he said, moti was merry and decided her love would never relent
They celebrated days and nights,
Found love was strong that might,
But soon to their dismay, 
Love wasn't enough, as seemed at first sight-
Difference of opinions, of two determined minds,
She saw red and he saw blue,
What was happenning neither had any clue. 

Adjustment was another thing-
They realized, we are two people with opposite zing
Pain and suffering oh woe befall were
Where Love's secret's dwell
Respect and understanding seemed too demanding
Each one thought the other was too commanding- 

Leave, we shall for freedom is much dearer,
But each loved the other, and wanted to be nearer,

Pledged togetherness for ever 
They decide that love would test them like never
But belief and trust, were stronger than love 
They knew that they found their soul mate in the person Now,

Moti learnt to live with motu's tempers
Motu leant to adjust to moti's unpredictable ranters
Moti leant motu's irritation, motu learnt moti's complications, 
Moti began understanding motu's need for attention
Motu began loving moti's need for space and dimension

Happy as ever, like sugar and pepper,
life could be blissful
Motu loves hugging moti
Moti love kissing motu
Motu and moti are now a much happier story :)

To My Unknown Lover

For that one unknown touch

For that slight smile

For that brief glance

For that little romance

For that agonizing wait

For that song on my lips

For that shiny glint in my eye

For that reason to embrace the world

To dance in the cold rain in a crazy twirl

To dress with such care

For one look of sheer delight

For one careless caress 

Of passion and fire

For one moment of greed and want

For one second to belong and let there be none

I dedicate this to my unknown lover

For a lifetime of knowing that we exist and are one

And Let there be Light- said the Lord

I see sitting on the railing

The rays of the moon, faint, silent smiling-

I wish we could take a walk

The moon and I would love a quiet talk

I like his spirit, unblemished and bright

I wish had a heart to stand up to his might

I love dancing in his love

His rays like a beam of shining strength

Brighten up the darkness of this little child

I strech my arms and he pulls

I tug upwards and jump up high, 

He says "Up you come" but how far you are

I wish we could take a walk

I have none but the moon for a quiet talk...

Galileo would have loved his strong beam

Would have defied the holy body to discover its sheen

I on the other hand

Would love to take refuge

With that which i consider my subterfuge

I wish we could have a silent chat

Wish the moon and I meant more than that

Wish his rays could hold only me

I wish that silver belonged to me

I wish the moonshine on the railing belonged to me..

I see the eyes--- I feel the Ice

My boyfriend tells me that I write morose stuff- very 'broody types'- something very disquieting to the verge of being depressing. I really never gave my writing any thought but maybe he is right and it definitely has a ring of truth in it, considering that I write when I have those morose-grouchy moods!

I like being alone by myself a lot of times (not all the time) but yeah, and those moods strike me out of nowhere. In fact they at times can come looking for me with a vengence. I go to the movies alone, I go to pubs alone (yeah I do and can handle drunk stupid men), I go for long walks alone- and no I dont do it to prove a point. I do it because I get attacks- yes like panic attacks -that my little world is gettting too clouded or that unknowingly somembody in the friends, family and others category has been occupying too much of my space and time. Strangely, the only thing that I never complain and that does occupy too much of my time and space is work- and I never mind that. 

And I guess I have been having one of those panic attacks since yesterday, when I was at Hard Rock Cafe. I have never understood this, but yes most of us feel it- A crowded vibrant place can suddenly out of the blue make you feel so lonely- so freaking alone and it feels like a 'dementor' trying to claw and suck your soul. Everything around you grows so cold- a feeling of impending dread and doom fills and holds you by the gut. You recoil, like a victim- like an animal being starved of light and food- any contact, communication and you want to cringe.

You want to be left alone and you could give half your arm to be left in your cube- i call it a cube is because its like a container - a gemotrical wall that you have drawn around yourself- a cube with all sides and corners sharp enough to greviously injure any entrant. What is worse is that you have no voice- you dont know what is it that you are feeling and what is it that you are running from in those four little walls. Fingers can come in from the external world but then what you tend to forget is once the fingers are let in- the hands find a way too and soon your shit scared of your world being breached and you being left open in the cold. 

Then the weekend arrives and you need to meet a few of the various 'acquaintances' that you have acquired for various reasons and you wonder and wonder-- why is it so rare to meet a warm soul, why is it difficult to find those souls where you are- why are friends a rare thing- why does loneliness have such power? At times I feel loneliness is a demon - far worse than the dementors- ( a dementor sucks your soul completely) but the loneliness demon, makes you push people who want to come close to you away- people whom you chose, caring friends and family, people for whom in a sane mind you would have given an arm and a leg for- you shy away, you crawl away from them for you are not left with much energy and you are thawing away at the sides of the cube- just enough to chip your fingernails and hurt yourself but not enough in fear that the walls might break and give way- in the fear that those walls are after all not that strong...

And They called it a Children's Book!!!!

Alice: Where I come from, people study what they are not good at in order to be able to do what they are good at.

Mad Hatter: We only go around in circles in Wonderland, but we always end up where we started. Would you mind explaining yourself?

Alice: Well, grown-ups tell us to find out what we did wrong, and never do it again

Mad Hatter: That's odd! It seems to me that in order to find out about something, you have to study it. And when you study it, you should become better at it. Why should you want to become better at something and then never do it again? But please continue.

Alice: Nobody ever tells us to study the right things we do. We're only supposed to learn from the wrong things. But we are permitted to study the right things other people do. And sometimes we're even told to copy them.

Mad Hatter: That's cheating!

Alice: You're quite right, Mr. Hatter. I do live in a topsy-turvy world. It seems like I have to do something wrong first, in order to learn from what not to do. And then, by not doing what I'm not supposed to do, perhaps I'll be right. But I'd rather be right the first time, wouldn't you? 

The Stiffling

I was planning to write about my Mallu blood (thats when I realized that though i was born of Mallu parents, I am more Gujju than Mallu- all thats missing is prolly a 'ben' suffix to my name....bloody can even write the language!)

Aaah.... coming to the agenda this evening-- this post (as each of them will be) is dedicated to the various moods/hormonal reactions/pains and evolutions that a woman goes through- majorly what an Indian woman goes through!. It all begins with the basic framework, the very structure of being conditioned in such a way that we stiffle the real us. We are shy to let the black and white exist and happily converge into the grey-No, we wait and hide the black, living in constant detail and dread of what we may very covertly discover about us. Oh yes, the very emancipated Indian woman will definitely jump up and down and say what 'horse shit' and to her I will simply say "who the fuck do you think you are kidding woman?' Yeah, I too feel like an independant woman of this century, who took her decisions, had her falls, stood up again and fought what she thought was nothing less than sacred- HER FREEDOM and her right to make her choices. Yet, there is a long silence that hides the sacrifice, the agony of being humiliated and accepting the humiliation without a word, the acceptance to certain ways of life, the longing for someone to love us just the way we are and still look forward to our impish grins-- the longing, its the longing that some how dosent justify the fight. Maybe its not just a part of being a woman, its a part of being a human being, who knows- its a part that I hate and detest.. at times.

These are random thoughts and just like a woman, I can shift from one topic to the other (and yes, I am not even going to bother justifying why!) At times I feel like comparing a woman's agonies to a very complex financial model- the assumptions are many and huge, the debt of resentment high, the credit of dreamy possibilities huge and returns- well they are definitely subject to market risks! Considering who you are investing in!  I mean in one single day you can be upset with your super boss (not for professional reasons) but purely personal, you could be upset with a over demanding sister, a mom who expects your attention, work that seems to be piling up even though you may be working your butt off to deliver on time and then there is the big question of 'Are you doing enough to let your boyfriend know that you love him? Is your ambition and work getting to you and are you going to loose the only man in your life? Shit! you have worked hard for it and though long distance relationships may not exactly be the a party its still all you have and the person is so freaking important!' Apart from all of these, there is this sense of ' I am not doing enough to discover life, I have so many more ambitions- I want to ride a bullet at high speeds, I want to tone down and probably after marriage participate in Mrs. World, bike again from Ladakh to the Himalayas, hike in Aizwal and most importantly let everything go and feel one with the universe'. 

Some one might and of course rightly so, say that women complicate things- sure we do! If we tell you things simply you D**** F**** you would be shocked that we want the same as you do and in every quarter, if not more! - We sure dont want that realization dawning here....

The best of Dido

With one light on in one room
I know you're up when I get home
With one small step upon the stair
I know your look when I get there

If you were a king up there on your throne
would you be wise enough to let me go
for this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
wants to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go

The unread book and painful look
the tv's on, the sound is down
One long pause
then you begin
oh look what the cat's brought in

If you were a king up there on your throne
would you be wise enough to let me go
for this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
wants to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go
let me leave

For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now
and I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow
and all the time I'm thinking, thinking

I want to be a hunter again
want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go.....

One of my favourite songs by Dido, love her voice and the song is simply amazing. What's even more outstanding is the way each of her songs so aptly bring out what a woman feels at times--brings out the inexplicable. 

Dark, Darker- Darkest!

Ahem.. Ahem,

Ladies and Gentlemen lend me your ears, said Brutus (not literally) but yeah do so all the same. Before I progress to write further, I should warn those faint at heart not to read this. The Blog will soon have an A certificate and can be read only under parental guidance (considering you have qualified gaurdians :) ).

Yeah, so the authoress wakes up this morning with a bitter taste in her mouth, the taste that arises when you feel you could flush someone down a rat-hole. Woke up with that acerbic venom eating my system, knocking my 'worldly etiquette' at one go. First, I saw my favourite room mate Darshu off to work bright and early and then walked in the other one- Darshu and I call her the Promoter.

(Now before I go into details, let me introduce certain characters that currently dominate my home space- Darshu (short for Darshini) is a couple of years younger, I adore her and she adores me, despite being brought in conservative Mallu land- she is a free bird and oh! what wings the bird has!!!. Now comes the Promoter or Pragya- knighted 'The Promoter' for reasons that she is responsible for signing the lease papers, the dealings with the land-owner and all that crap shit. Now promoter is common enemy, Darshu and I hate her, nothing wrong with her but she is a perfectionist and in short a total Pain In the Ass).

So yeah, Promoter was about her day and I saw that she may clearly go about her daily abulutions assuming that I dont work and I sit on my Mallu ass doing nothing.. so I grabbed the opportunity and started off with my journey from the washbasin to the Bathroom before her! - knowing the BL*** it was some acheivment.

Get down and out of the blg. and oh my- the pain began. Increasingly I could feel my bile turn more acidic, the stares of the men at the bus stop where I catch my rickshaw made me feel like burning each m***** f***** down! I mean who and what gives them the right to stare at every part of a woman's anatomy like that? And so many of them- wish a dirty sight would bring upon castration! All the them definitely deserve it - oh and yew, those ugly pan stained teeth of the shop walas, the rickshaw guys who know where you want to go and yet stop to ask again and again and then say no they are not interested in Malad West!!. The rickshaw catching experience is an art that I have gradually learnt in my one and half year stay in mumbai, the rickshaws in my areas refuse to go to Malad West and now I know that for every five no's there is a one yes- so I keep a count of the no. of rickshaws that turn me down and immediately start working on the probability of the next being an yes.

But thats not the point of my venom rising to such proportions- thats an everyday struggle, what made today supremely special was that apart from being a Monday- it was the first monday that I felt like a total looser, felt like a wounded and hungry animal let out on the streets, looking for prey...... I usually feel and crib and tell that I am a looser but never mean it but today it was as if I wanted to hold everyone responsible for the failure of a genius like me!

What heightened my frustation was that after work I couldnt look forward to go home after work- I had to wine and dine a client!!!wining and dining the dollar has not been one of my highlights and I was not looking forward to it....