I see the eyes--- I feel the Ice

My boyfriend tells me that I write morose stuff- very 'broody types'- something very disquieting to the verge of being depressing. I really never gave my writing any thought but maybe he is right and it definitely has a ring of truth in it, considering that I write when I have those morose-grouchy moods!

I like being alone by myself a lot of times (not all the time) but yeah, and those moods strike me out of nowhere. In fact they at times can come looking for me with a vengence. I go to the movies alone, I go to pubs alone (yeah I do and can handle drunk stupid men), I go for long walks alone- and no I dont do it to prove a point. I do it because I get attacks- yes like panic attacks -that my little world is gettting too clouded or that unknowingly somembody in the friends, family and others category has been occupying too much of my space and time. Strangely, the only thing that I never complain and that does occupy too much of my time and space is work- and I never mind that. 

And I guess I have been having one of those panic attacks since yesterday, when I was at Hard Rock Cafe. I have never understood this, but yes most of us feel it- A crowded vibrant place can suddenly out of the blue make you feel so lonely- so freaking alone and it feels like a 'dementor' trying to claw and suck your soul. Everything around you grows so cold- a feeling of impending dread and doom fills and holds you by the gut. You recoil, like a victim- like an animal being starved of light and food- any contact, communication and you want to cringe.

You want to be left alone and you could give half your arm to be left in your cube- i call it a cube is because its like a container - a gemotrical wall that you have drawn around yourself- a cube with all sides and corners sharp enough to greviously injure any entrant. What is worse is that you have no voice- you dont know what is it that you are feeling and what is it that you are running from in those four little walls. Fingers can come in from the external world but then what you tend to forget is once the fingers are let in- the hands find a way too and soon your shit scared of your world being breached and you being left open in the cold. 

Then the weekend arrives and you need to meet a few of the various 'acquaintances' that you have acquired for various reasons and you wonder and wonder-- why is it so rare to meet a warm soul, why is it difficult to find those souls where you are- why are friends a rare thing- why does loneliness have such power? At times I feel loneliness is a demon - far worse than the dementors- ( a dementor sucks your soul completely) but the loneliness demon, makes you push people who want to come close to you away- people whom you chose, caring friends and family, people for whom in a sane mind you would have given an arm and a leg for- you shy away, you crawl away from them for you are not left with much energy and you are thawing away at the sides of the cube- just enough to chip your fingernails and hurt yourself but not enough in fear that the walls might break and give way- in the fear that those walls are after all not that strong...