The Stiffling

I was planning to write about my Mallu blood (thats when I realized that though i was born of Mallu parents, I am more Gujju than Mallu- all thats missing is prolly a 'ben' suffix to my name....bloody can even write the language!)

Aaah.... coming to the agenda this evening-- this post (as each of them will be) is dedicated to the various moods/hormonal reactions/pains and evolutions that a woman goes through- majorly what an Indian woman goes through!. It all begins with the basic framework, the very structure of being conditioned in such a way that we stiffle the real us. We are shy to let the black and white exist and happily converge into the grey-No, we wait and hide the black, living in constant detail and dread of what we may very covertly discover about us. Oh yes, the very emancipated Indian woman will definitely jump up and down and say what 'horse shit' and to her I will simply say "who the fuck do you think you are kidding woman?' Yeah, I too feel like an independant woman of this century, who took her decisions, had her falls, stood up again and fought what she thought was nothing less than sacred- HER FREEDOM and her right to make her choices. Yet, there is a long silence that hides the sacrifice, the agony of being humiliated and accepting the humiliation without a word, the acceptance to certain ways of life, the longing for someone to love us just the way we are and still look forward to our impish grins-- the longing, its the longing that some how dosent justify the fight. Maybe its not just a part of being a woman, its a part of being a human being, who knows- its a part that I hate and detest.. at times.

These are random thoughts and just like a woman, I can shift from one topic to the other (and yes, I am not even going to bother justifying why!) At times I feel like comparing a woman's agonies to a very complex financial model- the assumptions are many and huge, the debt of resentment high, the credit of dreamy possibilities huge and returns- well they are definitely subject to market risks! Considering who you are investing in!  I mean in one single day you can be upset with your super boss (not for professional reasons) but purely personal, you could be upset with a over demanding sister, a mom who expects your attention, work that seems to be piling up even though you may be working your butt off to deliver on time and then there is the big question of 'Are you doing enough to let your boyfriend know that you love him? Is your ambition and work getting to you and are you going to loose the only man in your life? Shit! you have worked hard for it and though long distance relationships may not exactly be the a party its still all you have and the person is so freaking important!' Apart from all of these, there is this sense of ' I am not doing enough to discover life, I have so many more ambitions- I want to ride a bullet at high speeds, I want to tone down and probably after marriage participate in Mrs. World, bike again from Ladakh to the Himalayas, hike in Aizwal and most importantly let everything go and feel one with the universe'. 

Some one might and of course rightly so, say that women complicate things- sure we do! If we tell you things simply you D**** F**** you would be shocked that we want the same as you do and in every quarter, if not more! - We sure dont want that realization dawning here....