I see the eyes--- I feel the Ice

My boyfriend tells me that I write morose stuff- very 'broody types'- something very disquieting to the verge of being depressing. I really never gave my writing any thought but maybe he is right and it definitely has a ring of truth in it, considering that I write when I have those morose-grouchy moods!

I like being alone by myself a lot of times (not all the time) but yeah, and those moods strike me out of nowhere. In fact they at times can come looking for me with a vengence. I go to the movies alone, I go to pubs alone (yeah I do and can handle drunk stupid men), I go for long walks alone- and no I dont do it to prove a point. I do it because I get attacks- yes like panic attacks -that my little world is gettting too clouded or that unknowingly somembody in the friends, family and others category has been occupying too much of my space and time. Strangely, the only thing that I never complain and that does occupy too much of my time and space is work- and I never mind that. 

And I guess I have been having one of those panic attacks since yesterday, when I was at Hard Rock Cafe. I have never understood this, but yes most of us feel it- A crowded vibrant place can suddenly out of the blue make you feel so lonely- so freaking alone and it feels like a 'dementor' trying to claw and suck your soul. Everything around you grows so cold- a feeling of impending dread and doom fills and holds you by the gut. You recoil, like a victim- like an animal being starved of light and food- any contact, communication and you want to cringe.

You want to be left alone and you could give half your arm to be left in your cube- i call it a cube is because its like a container - a gemotrical wall that you have drawn around yourself- a cube with all sides and corners sharp enough to greviously injure any entrant. What is worse is that you have no voice- you dont know what is it that you are feeling and what is it that you are running from in those four little walls. Fingers can come in from the external world but then what you tend to forget is once the fingers are let in- the hands find a way too and soon your shit scared of your world being breached and you being left open in the cold. 

Then the weekend arrives and you need to meet a few of the various 'acquaintances' that you have acquired for various reasons and you wonder and wonder-- why is it so rare to meet a warm soul, why is it difficult to find those souls where you are- why are friends a rare thing- why does loneliness have such power? At times I feel loneliness is a demon - far worse than the dementors- ( a dementor sucks your soul completely) but the loneliness demon, makes you push people who want to come close to you away- people whom you chose, caring friends and family, people for whom in a sane mind you would have given an arm and a leg for- you shy away, you crawl away from them for you are not left with much energy and you are thawing away at the sides of the cube- just enough to chip your fingernails and hurt yourself but not enough in fear that the walls might break and give way- in the fear that those walls are after all not that strong...

And They called it a Children's Book!!!!

Alice: Where I come from, people study what they are not good at in order to be able to do what they are good at.

Mad Hatter: We only go around in circles in Wonderland, but we always end up where we started. Would you mind explaining yourself?

Alice: Well, grown-ups tell us to find out what we did wrong, and never do it again

Mad Hatter: That's odd! It seems to me that in order to find out about something, you have to study it. And when you study it, you should become better at it. Why should you want to become better at something and then never do it again? But please continue.

Alice: Nobody ever tells us to study the right things we do. We're only supposed to learn from the wrong things. But we are permitted to study the right things other people do. And sometimes we're even told to copy them.

Mad Hatter: That's cheating!

Alice: You're quite right, Mr. Hatter. I do live in a topsy-turvy world. It seems like I have to do something wrong first, in order to learn from what not to do. And then, by not doing what I'm not supposed to do, perhaps I'll be right. But I'd rather be right the first time, wouldn't you? 

The Stiffling

I was planning to write about my Mallu blood (thats when I realized that though i was born of Mallu parents, I am more Gujju than Mallu- all thats missing is prolly a 'ben' suffix to my name....bloody can even write the language!)

Aaah.... coming to the agenda this evening-- this post (as each of them will be) is dedicated to the various moods/hormonal reactions/pains and evolutions that a woman goes through- majorly what an Indian woman goes through!. It all begins with the basic framework, the very structure of being conditioned in such a way that we stiffle the real us. We are shy to let the black and white exist and happily converge into the grey-No, we wait and hide the black, living in constant detail and dread of what we may very covertly discover about us. Oh yes, the very emancipated Indian woman will definitely jump up and down and say what 'horse shit' and to her I will simply say "who the fuck do you think you are kidding woman?' Yeah, I too feel like an independant woman of this century, who took her decisions, had her falls, stood up again and fought what she thought was nothing less than sacred- HER FREEDOM and her right to make her choices. Yet, there is a long silence that hides the sacrifice, the agony of being humiliated and accepting the humiliation without a word, the acceptance to certain ways of life, the longing for someone to love us just the way we are and still look forward to our impish grins-- the longing, its the longing that some how dosent justify the fight. Maybe its not just a part of being a woman, its a part of being a human being, who knows- its a part that I hate and detest.. at times.

These are random thoughts and just like a woman, I can shift from one topic to the other (and yes, I am not even going to bother justifying why!) At times I feel like comparing a woman's agonies to a very complex financial model- the assumptions are many and huge, the debt of resentment high, the credit of dreamy possibilities huge and returns- well they are definitely subject to market risks! Considering who you are investing in!  I mean in one single day you can be upset with your super boss (not for professional reasons) but purely personal, you could be upset with a over demanding sister, a mom who expects your attention, work that seems to be piling up even though you may be working your butt off to deliver on time and then there is the big question of 'Are you doing enough to let your boyfriend know that you love him? Is your ambition and work getting to you and are you going to loose the only man in your life? Shit! you have worked hard for it and though long distance relationships may not exactly be the a party its still all you have and the person is so freaking important!' Apart from all of these, there is this sense of ' I am not doing enough to discover life, I have so many more ambitions- I want to ride a bullet at high speeds, I want to tone down and probably after marriage participate in Mrs. World, bike again from Ladakh to the Himalayas, hike in Aizwal and most importantly let everything go and feel one with the universe'. 

Some one might and of course rightly so, say that women complicate things- sure we do! If we tell you things simply you D**** F**** you would be shocked that we want the same as you do and in every quarter, if not more! - We sure dont want that realization dawning here....

The best of Dido

With one light on in one room
I know you're up when I get home
With one small step upon the stair
I know your look when I get there

If you were a king up there on your throne
would you be wise enough to let me go
for this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
wants to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go

The unread book and painful look
the tv's on, the sound is down
One long pause
then you begin
oh look what the cat's brought in

If you were a king up there on your throne
would you be wise enough to let me go
for this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
wants to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go
let me leave

For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now
and I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow
and all the time I'm thinking, thinking

I want to be a hunter again
want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go.....

One of my favourite songs by Dido, love her voice and the song is simply amazing. What's even more outstanding is the way each of her songs so aptly bring out what a woman feels at times--brings out the inexplicable. 

Dark, Darker- Darkest!

Ahem.. Ahem,

Ladies and Gentlemen lend me your ears, said Brutus (not literally) but yeah do so all the same. Before I progress to write further, I should warn those faint at heart not to read this. The Blog will soon have an A certificate and can be read only under parental guidance (considering you have qualified gaurdians :) ).

Yeah, so the authoress wakes up this morning with a bitter taste in her mouth, the taste that arises when you feel you could flush someone down a rat-hole. Woke up with that acerbic venom eating my system, knocking my 'worldly etiquette' at one go. First, I saw my favourite room mate Darshu off to work bright and early and then walked in the other one- Darshu and I call her the Promoter.

(Now before I go into details, let me introduce certain characters that currently dominate my home space- Darshu (short for Darshini) is a couple of years younger, I adore her and she adores me, despite being brought in conservative Mallu land- she is a free bird and oh! what wings the bird has!!!. Now comes the Promoter or Pragya- knighted 'The Promoter' for reasons that she is responsible for signing the lease papers, the dealings with the land-owner and all that crap shit. Now promoter is common enemy, Darshu and I hate her, nothing wrong with her but she is a perfectionist and in short a total Pain In the Ass).

So yeah, Promoter was about her day and I saw that she may clearly go about her daily abulutions assuming that I dont work and I sit on my Mallu ass doing nothing.. so I grabbed the opportunity and started off with my journey from the washbasin to the Bathroom before her! - knowing the BL*** it was some acheivment.

Get down and out of the blg. and oh my- the pain began. Increasingly I could feel my bile turn more acidic, the stares of the men at the bus stop where I catch my rickshaw made me feel like burning each m***** f***** down! I mean who and what gives them the right to stare at every part of a woman's anatomy like that? And so many of them- wish a dirty sight would bring upon castration! All the them definitely deserve it - oh and yew, those ugly pan stained teeth of the shop walas, the rickshaw guys who know where you want to go and yet stop to ask again and again and then say no they are not interested in Malad West!!. The rickshaw catching experience is an art that I have gradually learnt in my one and half year stay in mumbai, the rickshaws in my areas refuse to go to Malad West and now I know that for every five no's there is a one yes- so I keep a count of the no. of rickshaws that turn me down and immediately start working on the probability of the next being an yes.

But thats not the point of my venom rising to such proportions- thats an everyday struggle, what made today supremely special was that apart from being a Monday- it was the first monday that I felt like a total looser, felt like a wounded and hungry animal let out on the streets, looking for prey...... I usually feel and crib and tell that I am a looser but never mean it but today it was as if I wanted to hold everyone responsible for the failure of a genius like me!

What heightened my frustation was that after work I couldnt look forward to go home after work- I had to wine and dine a client!!!wining and dining the dollar has not been one of my highlights and I was not looking forward to it....